a chance to renew

i've come to the conclusion that i have absolutely no clue what i'm doing. honestly, i don't. the thing is, i think i know what i want out of life, and i think i know what i want to do. well, kind of, sort of. but, i'm not really sure if i do. so, i'm studying for a test to go into a field that i may or may not think is perfect for me. hmm, weird.

to put it bluntly, i didn't want to be here. i wanted to be playing music. i wanted to be touring with real bands on real tours to real people. don't get me wrong, some of the greatest people in my life have been the kids in the bands we've toured with and met at shows, so please don't take that as me not caring about them. i care about them all more than most things in my life, but that doesn't change the fact that i still wish i could have played music for a living. now, i'm sure you'll say, "life's not over yet, a lot could change, you never know what's going to happen," but you know what? you've got to be in it to win it as they say, and if i'm studying to go to school to get a masters to get a job, there's not a whole lot of touring going on. so, who knows, maybe i'll just not go. but then where does that leave me? crazycrazycrazy. so, we'll see where the world wants me to go. i guess if i put my ear to the ground i'll have a better chance of hearing what's coming over the horizon, so i'd better get going and lower this face to the floor. have a good evening.

listening to explosions in the sky and realizing that reading, listening, walking, talking, eating, drinking, loving, sleeping, and being on my friend's interweb sites is way better than letting television eat my brain, even though television always seems hungry.

and this is my soul.

this is my body.

hi,
this is my blood.

i'm sure at some point or another, you've all wanted something that you could not have. that amazing feeling of longing, hatred, disdain, love, fear, sorrow, and pain. that incredible idea that you could love something so much, but not be able to reach out and grab it. i mainly speak of a relationship with a person, though i suppose with certain people it may pertain to other things. the thing i fear more than not being able to fulfill this desire though, is the thought that maybe i'm lying to myself. the idea that perhaps i do not actually care for this person as much as i think i do is almost more scary. there is also the very serious possibility that being fucked over so many times creates a feeling a resentment in a person, which eats away at any previous feelings, no matter how strong they may have been. it is rather frightening to experience any and all of these emotions. it is almost more scary to think though, that some people have never experienced any of this at all.