the thousand mile itch

the thousand mile itch

it started so close i thought i could take care of it
but then it moved so far away that i couldn't reach it with even the longest arms
somehow it's both deep inside and completely external
sometimes i just wish it would go away.

it sucks so much because i wish i didn't care, i wish i didn't care at all. but, i do. i do care. i must remove myself, because the little taste was oh so good, so good, too good. it hurt. it was that good. sometimes that is a beautiful hurt. i'm not sure if it feels that way now. i wish i didn't care. i wish i hated, in a way. i wish i didn't care. i wish i didn't care. what sucks is that i do. or i did. or that i will. i don't know anymore. i'm sick of listening to sugar. i'm sick of wanting more than i think i'm worth while knowing i'm worth way more. this is such bullshit. i'm so upset with myself. i don't know what the fuck to do. i wish i just didn't give a shit. the problem is that i do.

what a fucking suprise

hello, hi, i'm not sure why i thought anything would be different this time.
i hate the fact that i still care.
not in a "it never went away" kind of still.
in the sense that it still feels amazing.
in the sense that it hurts and the fucking sucks.
i won't lie, at times i still think you suck.
or at least you have aspects that you hold on to.
for some reason.
i'm told we should never want to change people.
well i want to change you.
i suppose that's where i went wrong.
you don't make any sense.
but for some reason, it does.
so i'll continue to break my rules.
and i'll continue to cause my own problems.
and i'll continue to hope for something different.
when something different will never come.
you didn't change this time.
what a fucking suprise.

i woke up earlier than i thought i would, so i put on my morning jacket to keep the cold outside of my chest, to keep the warmth of my lungs and heart inside. my ribs clung tight to my clothes, the sleep still wet in my eyes. i could see my insides coming out in puffy, smoke-like breaths, my pointless attempt to warm the world. the crisp, cool air reminded me to hold on tight, so i shoved my hands deep into my pockets and walked into the day.