did you ever get that feeling where you just don't know what to do?

life has been so great and so not great for a while now that its definitely been a bit harder than i would like. i want so bad to be really happy, and i have so many wonderful reasons to be so. but i also have reasons to not be happy, and unfortunately, they keep coming up and reintroducing themselves. the majority of the time things are pretty good. hell, sometimes they're amazing. but...sometimes they're not so great. i'm trying to just rationalize the not so great times and pay more attention to the good things, but sometimes when you want something so bad it seems like the only thing that matters.

my parents always tell me not to get too down on something because you never know what may happen later. and its true, since they've said that to me, its been a fucking rollercoaster. but you know what? if there is a light at the end of this tunnel, it's only in my head, and it's years away from now. that makes things a lot harder to deal with, though easier to put off. i suppose i'm sorry for everything i've done, but i fear thats not enough. thats why i say 'suppose.' please, don't ever make the mistakes i did.

right around this time last year i went on my first date with the most amazing girl in the world. it was a sunday night, and we went for a walk. at the time i thought things might be cool with us, but i never knew what i was getting into. in the past i've thought similar things about some girls, but never this strongly, and they never worked out anyway. but things with her worked out, and in a way i couldn't have seen coming from a mile away. this girl tore me apart, reinvented the way i looked at life, and made things wonderful. granted, i was not as good as i should have or could have been, but for a period of time, things were great. they then however were not so great, because i was not so great. so things had to change. and they did. and while we're not in the same place we once were, i can honestly say, that i have never loved anyone more in my life. i have never cared for anyone more in my life. and she is without a doubt, the most important person to me in this world. and thats not an easy thing to say. but its the truth. so, while the tide may come in and out, it may feel good sometimes and terrible others, i am so proud to say that i know the most amazing person on the planet. and she is my best friend in the world. maybe someday we'll go for another sunday night walk to discuss bjork and detectives. we will, i know it. best friends do those kinds of things.

with each new day i clear the dew
off of everything that surrounds me
the dust would settle
were it not for wet wounds on walls.
still, we fight for every breath that
escapes our grasp
our finger tips
our tensed wrists
our punctured lungs.
we fight for each and every word
that fights to leap
from our tongues, our teeth
we fight to change the waters that flow
around our fronts and backs,
not realizing we have little to no control,
and that no matter what,
we'll still end up
down
stream.

what is passion? do we really have it?
i realized i have it. i have it in spurts. it is a monster that changes shape daily.

i've realized that things are not black and white.
i've realized that i have to fess up to myself.

i need to give space.

i need to take care of people as much as i can.

last night was wonderful. meem and i spent time together in smiles and happiness. i missed her with all of my heart. now i don't have to miss her so much.