i remember 01. the new year would come and i would have trouble remembering to write it on my homework. it was always very confusing, especially because we did not write it when we started a new school year, rather after our winter break. did that ever seem significant enough for an added digit? i always forget things like this. 2001 brought a lot of pain to me, but ultimately got me out of a situation that probably was better for me not to be in. who the fuck cares about what happened inside of those four numbers, those zeros sandwiched in intergers.

i find it hard to follow the trends sometimes, the turning of clocks, the being on times. i find wearing ties to be strangling, going to class some times hard. i realize that life is hard. but when i was a young child, playing among the onion grass in the large field next to my house, it did not matter how much i loved anyone, or how much i was loved back. i was almost unaware of these things, solely because i was loved, because i was lucky enough to grow up in a home filled with support and adoration. i never wanted for anything, i was always warm and never hungry. some things have changed though. almost everything has changed. the playgrounds by my house have been completely rehauled. i never played on these. i smoked pot for my first time behind a stage coach that i may not be able to go home to much longer.

fuck putting school first. fuck responsibility. i know this sounds childish, but i will never be happy if i do what other people expect of me, and what other people want. i want to love with all of my heart without it getting broken. i want everyone else to be able to do the same. i want to share my love of life with the world, yet for some reason i'm having a little trouble sharing it with myself right now.

i don't care about a lot of things anymore. i've decided that most of them are pointless. i still love my family to death, i love my friends, i love my band. but stupid shit has to go, and the wonderful light that i feel in the company of one certain person should find its way into my soul and illuminate me like a fucking jack o lantern.