the city is haunted

i've heard that
the city is haunted.
my biggest problem is that i fear it's populated with one's i love.
i've finished wishing,
temporarily.
i've finished caring,
for the moment.

this has gone on long enough,
don't you think?
i've done my wrongs,
i wish to end
the issues, problems, moments.

i wish you never noticed me.

i think.

when will we give up?
when will we stop this bullshit?
time and time and time.
again.

so, we'll send letters we know
have been read.
and we'll send messages we're sure
have been heard.
but we'll feel equally as lost
and equally as angry
and solutions will stare us in our ignorant faces.

come in the form of liquid.
come in the form of hate.
come in the form of song.
come in the form or words.

we had nothing to do with tonight;
however,
i take full credit for my actions.

whether i want to or not.

the thousand mile itch

the thousand mile itch

it started so close i thought i could take care of it
but then it moved so far away that i couldn't reach it with even the longest arms
somehow it's both deep inside and completely external
sometimes i just wish it would go away.

it sucks so much because i wish i didn't care, i wish i didn't care at all. but, i do. i do care. i must remove myself, because the little taste was oh so good, so good, too good. it hurt. it was that good. sometimes that is a beautiful hurt. i'm not sure if it feels that way now. i wish i didn't care. i wish i hated, in a way. i wish i didn't care. i wish i didn't care. what sucks is that i do. or i did. or that i will. i don't know anymore. i'm sick of listening to sugar. i'm sick of wanting more than i think i'm worth while knowing i'm worth way more. this is such bullshit. i'm so upset with myself. i don't know what the fuck to do. i wish i just didn't give a shit. the problem is that i do.

what a fucking suprise

hello, hi, i'm not sure why i thought anything would be different this time.
i hate the fact that i still care.
not in a "it never went away" kind of still.
in the sense that it still feels amazing.
in the sense that it hurts and the fucking sucks.
i won't lie, at times i still think you suck.
or at least you have aspects that you hold on to.
for some reason.
i'm told we should never want to change people.
well i want to change you.
i suppose that's where i went wrong.
you don't make any sense.
but for some reason, it does.
so i'll continue to break my rules.
and i'll continue to cause my own problems.
and i'll continue to hope for something different.
when something different will never come.
you didn't change this time.
what a fucking suprise.

i woke up earlier than i thought i would, so i put on my morning jacket to keep the cold outside of my chest, to keep the warmth of my lungs and heart inside. my ribs clung tight to my clothes, the sleep still wet in my eyes. i could see my insides coming out in puffy, smoke-like breaths, my pointless attempt to warm the world. the crisp, cool air reminded me to hold on tight, so i shoved my hands deep into my pockets and walked into the day.

...

with what little bit i have left,
i feel that i need to retreat.
tuck my tail,
head for the hills.

once if only once, if only once,
i thought i had things under control.

from up above we see the skies,
we see the ground,
the streets.

it once made sense from up above,
the land spread out below.

"did you solve the problem,"
she asked,
knowing full well i never would.

"can you solve the problem,"
she asked,
knowing full well i wouldn't.

i mistakenly thought i'd never see
the day
in which i couldn't do
whatever i wanted.

i always thought you'd be here,
i always thought i'd be there,
i always thought we'd be there.

this makes perfect sense,
a skill i never wished for,
an ability i shun with a fervor.

we had our own last supper;
an amiable one,
with bread to break,
and wine to drink.
we annointed ourselves with oil
and blessed ourselves with love,
if only for a minute.

you came dressed to the nines,
i casual and relaxed.
perhaps i should have seen this as symbolism,
i would have scolded my pupils for missing it.

the drive home did not seem
nearly as long as it should have.
instead i got out and sat and read,
as if nothing serious had happened.

the next day you ran.
and i was not there.
and now i'm not there.
and now you're not here.
and now we're not there.

...

long days.

tomorrow i get to go home.

i miss the smell of burning wood.

new songs make me happy.

i think i'm going insane.

short nights.

writing emails to passify

this came at the tail end of a response to basically feeling confused and partially empty. you've got to love relationships that never happened:

clear your head, clear your heart, clear you eyes. clarity will only bring you happiness.

i have faith that you'll find happiness, and i hope it fills your entire being.